Changes - 1

I've had quite some time to think lately about my life, and I seem to be at a place in my life where I am very content to be doing exactly what I am doing, at the same time, I am very unadjusted to this new person I am becoming. This entry is more of a stream-of-consciousness writing exploit as opposed to a well-thought-out entry, so please see it as it is...

I look back on my high school days with fondness of good times and bad, but particularly the drive or dedication I had to meeting success at every academic turn. I would be upset if I missed one question on a biology test that I knew I studied; I would get irritated when I missed a calculus problem because of a dumb careless error. I focused and worked hard, and still wandered around with my head in the clouds about friendships, dating, and boys. Extra-curricular activities also filled my after-school hours and I never could fathom just sitting around the house with nothing to do for days and days, even during the summertime.

When I went to college, the academic side must have been burnt out because I realized I just didn't have that drive or dedication or motivation to really be that successful. I got more and more frustrated with my classes, and decided that they were no where near as important as my non-academic life as long as I was passing. That's probably why I made the grades I did my first year, and that's probably why I took some of the classes I did when I really had NO interested in them whatsoever. I just needed filler classes, so I took them. Part of it, I blame on the fact that I still thought I was pre-med...even though my brain had already decided that I was never going to pursue that route. When I think about going back to do some post-bac work and applying to med schools (or even dental school) and going through that whole process again, I just get a really sour feeling in my stomach and I have little to no desire to pursue it. I understand umma's need or want for me to find some vocation of my own - some technical skill - but I think healthcare or medicine were just NOT the directions I needed to go. But that doesn't mean that I can really see myself just being that stay-at-home mom...why?

After graduation and joining the Army, I realized I had what it took to succeed in this environment. I was going to be one of the best and I was going to have fun while I did it. I may not have been the best at keeping my uniform starched or keeping my boots shined, but I was great at being that officer everyone expected me to be - that officer that everyone could rely on to make things happen. I was liked by most everyone, and I knew how to learn the job, no matter what job, fast - and I could go the route I wanted to to become successful in whatever it was I wanted to in the military. It was easy. But once I found my Mister Right, I couldn't bear it. I was still obsessed with work at the same time, I was obsessed with not being that good wife I wanted to be. I hated that Jeff beat me home every day and he cooked the majority of the time. I didn't like that I was always exhausted for one reason or another because of work and I didn't like that all I had to talk about was work and people at work. I knew it was also bothering Jeff to some degree, but I just couldn't figure out how to balance work and homelife. That's why I knew it was the best decision to get out of the military. I wasn't enjoying every minute anymore. I wanted to focus my energies elsewhere - namely my marriage.

Now that I've been out of the active army for two months, I find myself somewhat bored with this stay-at-home lifestyle. But I also enjoy the freedom of doing nothing if I want to. The whole experience is a bit warped because I am so pregnant right now, but once I have the baby and am on a decent routine after the baby is a bit older, will I still feel the same as I do now about being home and bringing nothing to the family other than waiting for my husband to get home and ensuring that my baby is safe and healthy?

Jeff and I were eating yesterday around dinnertime, and a brief conversation came up about how I'm much more interested in what is going on in his life these days as opposed to before I got out of the military. In a way, it bothered him, I think, that I had become almost nosy about my interest in his life, but he also liked that I wasn't only obsessing about work like I used to...it was as if my family took the back seat when it came to my life when I was working. That's not what I wanted...but that's what it was. Maybe that's why I keep looking for some job that can be secondary to my home life. Something that I can do that will mean nothing to me except a paycheck...I still have my own self-esteem to think about so I can't see myself working as a cashier or something, but I don't want some high stress or high demand job that will consume my life outside and inside the home again.

So...I thought the teaching thing would work well - but now why are my mom and dad so adamently against it? It makes me worry a bit, but I think I could do it without stressing about it as much as they think I might...

Honestly, I just want to be a good wife, a good mother, and also be able to bring home some bread. Is that too much to ask? I want the best for my family, and I also want to have financial independence - mainly so I don't feel like I'm one of those wives who are just eating up the husband's hard-earned money. I know we're not poor by any means, but why does it feel so bad to ask for money? Maybe it's because I've never had to do it before in my entire life...I really don't like it.

Enough.

Week 37 Down!

Ah, another week passes and another appointment...:)

During this visit, Taylor and I found out that all my tests that were run last week came back normal - which is always a good thing. I am also no longer putting on any weight, but my belly keeps on growing, so I guess that means the rest of my body is losing weight? Hurray? Maybe. Either way, the latest measurement of our little baby shows that she is approximately 2.8 kgs (or 6.2 lbs)...which feels huge! You will see in the latest (and probably last) belly photo. I can't bear to get any more pudgy face pictures of me taken...;) The doc also conducted an exam to check if my pelvis is large enough for the baby to pass through naturally - I won't get into the details, but luckily the doc said that she should come right out! I must be blessed with some birthin' hips...

As for my own body, I am holding up OK. My hands and feet feel a little puffier than normal, but not as much as I expected - my size 7 tennis shoes still fit - YAY! My lower back gets pretty tired by the end of the day, but I still get around fairly easily, so that's a very good thing. Mostly what are sore are the bottoms of my feet, but Jeff takes good care of me, so I'm good. :)

In the latest couple news, Jeff took me to the Kandisky exhibition at the Seoul Arts Center, which was beautiful, but I think we prefered looking at the other Russian art that was exhibited with Kandisky - particularly the oil-on-canvas realist painters...(I don't know how to speak art, but it really was beautiful). We also celebrated a special Valentine's day dinner at home a day early...:) That's when the latest belly photo was taken.

Well, Jeff and I are very ready for little Taylor to join us, but we're hoping she holds out until the due date...maybe. I'm ready for her to come right now! :) But it'll be good for her to come right on time...let's just hope she doesn't get too much larger...the belly just can't get too much larger!

Another appointment next Monday...more updates to follow. :)

Love,
Rosa and Jeff

Lunar New Year

The year of the Rat has finally arrived - our little Taylor's year! She's going to be a rat. That just doesn't sound very nice...

Anyhow, since Jeff had to work today, I went to our relative's house (the big house) to celebrate the lunar new year (tradition). The only reason I am writing this entry, though, is because I just have the funniest story about my cousin's little daughter who is almost three years old, so here goes:

While all the ladies were sitting around the dining room table, the kids were running around playing, when all of a sudden, the little girl came by and placed her hand on my belly. No expression on her face or anything, but she just lightly placed her hand on my belly...and then she ran off again to play. A little later, she came back to look at the belly, and I told her that there was a baby inside. She got a very puzzled look on her face, and she felt her own belly. Then she lifted her dress and examined her belly closely. Then, she touched my belly, and lifted my shirt up to see under it! Then she smiled and said to me, "There's no baby. I checked." Her mom just stood there in disbelief, and then said to her little girl that the baby was inside the belly, not under the shirt. To this, the little girl replied, "Nope. I looked and there is no baby there." And then she went off to play again, not thinking any more about it. :)

Adorable. Happy Lunar New Year!

Love,
Rosa

36 weeks and counting!

Two more weeks down and four more weeks to go!

Little Taylor and I had our 36-week appointment today at CHA Hospital. Today's visit started with some fetal monitoring (30 minutes!) where the nurses strapped two little monitors on my belly (one for her heart beat and one for movement, I think), and they gave me a little button to push every time I felt her move. Well, Taylor doesn't particularly enjoy having her already-cramped space invaded from the outside, so it makes her kick and push against whatever is pressing down...so the monitoring was high successful. :) The nurse, when the monitoring was over, said little Taylor must be really happy and energetic because she enjoys playing already! I didn't have the heart to tell her that she just didn't appreciate being pushed around...:) Either way, when the doc saw the printout of the monitoring, he said that her heart rate and movement relation showed that she is very healthy and doing well.

We also discussed some aspects of our birthplan, and although I found out that some of my options were limited and there were going to be some procedures that I hadn't planned on, it looked like the event will be much like I expected it to be...who knows when the time actually comes, but the plan is looking ok.

Then, before I left the hospital, they did some bloodwork for final testing (I guess), gave me an EKG and X-ray (which I was originally a little worried about), to ensure the health of my heart and respiratory system...interesting. I'll find out those results at my next appointment.

I can't believe we have less than a month before our little baby comes into our life! These next few weeks are going to be the longest in my life!!!

Love,
Rosa and Jeff