I titled this post a long time ago...about two weeks after birth...and never got around to sitting down and writing. I have been meaning to write about this thing called "baby blues" because I think I experienced this for the first time, even though it was my second pregnancy and birth. The first time, I know I was a bit moody, but I didn't feel completely helpless and hopless like I did in that first week after I gave birth to Shinah. The term "baby blues" is much to "sweet" of a phrase to describe this terrible feeling that can overcome a new mother. It's not just a feeling of being sad or overwhelmed...it's this rush of spiraling out of control where you feel there is nothing, no one, who can help you and there is absolutely no sign hope of improvement in the future.
During the first week of being home with the baby, I had a moment where and overwhelming feeling of guilt, hopelessness and helplessness came over me and I just lay in my bed and cried and cried...probably for a good hour or so. My mom was there with me and she was talking to me and consoling me, reminding me that "this, too, shall pass," and that this is the way it is at first as a family readjusts itself to grow into an even greater family...and all I could do was lie there and cry, feel guilty, and feel sorry for myself. Why did I feel guilty? Well, it was way past bedtime and the little one needed me to nurse her and the older one just needed me to hold and hug her, but I couldn't do both, so daddy took the older one to try and put her to bed because she was starting to get a little rough to deal with as I sat and nursed the little one. Tay's now screaming in the other room, yelling for Mommy and completely out of control, the little one is crying and trying to nurse at the same time, and all I could think about was putting down the nursing baby so I could go console my big girl, knowing that the little one needed me physically and the big girl needed me emotionally...
I was one person and two people needed me simultaneously and I felt like I was letting both of them down. I couldn't be a good mother to either children by having both children...I wanted to be the mother that I was for Tay for Riley, but I knew I couldn't. I wanted to continue to be the mother that I have been for Tay, but I couldn't. How much more helpless could I get? All I could do was to cry along with the girls with this numb feeling coming over me and a painfully aching heart because it just couldn't love the way I thought it could because I was physically just one person who was trying to physically recover herself...
At that one moment, I thought for certain that I could never succeed as a mother of two. I had let down both my children and I had only been a mother of two for a week. How was I ever to survive many more years of this?
After I finally ran dry of tears, the little one had fallen asleep and the older one had finally escaped from her daddy to come to my bed and tell me she's sorry and that she needed me. I hugged her and told her I was sorry, too, choked back some more tears, and told her good night so she could go back and go to sleep in her bed. After she left (after some more cuddling with me in my bed), I stayed up half the night just talking to my mom about parenting and how I was going to overcome this incredible guilt I felt at my shortcomings for both girls...and ultimately, my mom told me that my love for them will overcome any "shortcomings" I may feel I have...and that feeling of guilt is unnecessary because love only doubles with more children and never divides into lesser amounts. Only time spent becomes less with individual ones, and that will be an adjustment...but the love a mother feels for all children can overcome all odds. Thanks, Umma.
Now that I'm seven weeks into being a mother of two, I think I can handle it. I've had a few successes that have given me the confidence to know I CAN do it and I love both girls more and more each day. Hopefully you'll be able to read about them here someday...when I have time to sit and write for longer than a minute! ;)
Happy and healthy...
Rosa
1 comment:
I've been there too. As Jesse is exhibiting more behaviorabl problems and is therefore demanding more of my attention. Matt literally works 60 hours a week, so the boys have just me to pull in two directions. I'm needed alot and it is not easy. I know exactly how you feel, but if I can do it, so can you. Email me, Call me, Scream into the night. Surely it will get to me somehow. Just know that there is a mother out there that feels what you are feeling, that knows how it is to be where you are and loves you just the same.
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