Silence...

I have been trying to think of how and what to write about my feelings on the transition between being a mother of one to being a mother of two, and have been at a loss for words.  I was hoping it would just come naturally for me to express to my first born how the time we have shared together, just the three of us as a family, have been so special...but that she would be doubly blessed to have this new being in our lives.  Still...it's hard to imagine how much our lives will change until this new one joins our lives. 

I probably have a little over a month left with my Tay being my only, and it's beginning to feel like a bittersweet end.  She has been everything and more than I ever imagined I would ever have as my child and her love is just incredible.  I know it is inevitable that the relationship changes between a parent and child 100 times over as every day passes, but adding a new family member is sure to rock the boat and bring about some insecurity in my little girl as she sees how much time a newborn requires of the mother.  Even this morning when I woke up, my lower back was aching due to my ever-growing tummy, so when my Tay asked me to carry her from her bed to mine to cuddle a bit before we got up for the day, I told her I couldn't because Mommy's back was hurting.  My sweet Tay then got her groggy self out of her bed and as we walked to my bed together, she rubbed my back with her tiny little hands and said, "You feel muuuuch better now, Mommy?  I make your back aaaaaalll better."  ::tear::  Then we both collapsed into bed together and cuddled for a bit before getting up and ready for the work day.  Will we still be able to have those moments once the new little one arrives?  Probably not for at least the first six months while I'm a milking machine (hopefully), but I must do everything in my power to keep our special moments together so I can stay connected to my Tay...my sweet sweet girl...my first baby. 

We did start a sort of ritual every evening a couple weeks ago - foot lotion!  After bathing or showering every night, we sit at my small vanity and I massage her little feet with foot lotion and put socks on her, and then I do mine while she admires herself in the mirror.  :)  It's good for our tired, abused feet, and we get some girl pampering time together...she seems to enjoy it quite a bit and it gets her relaxed for bed time.  After a long day, it's a good way for both of us to reconnect and relax, even if it only takes a few minutes.  It's also working wonders on my nasty cracking heels and calluses. 

In other Tay news, I think we will be ending her ballet classes for now after this week (end of a term), mainly because the teacher she has been with now for three terms will not be teaching the next term, and I think it would be good for her to try out a different class.  I took her to a trial class called "Creative Music" where there were three young ladies who led the class in rhythm, dancing, drawing, and general silliness.  Tay really seemed to enjoy the class, and since that class is conducted in Korean, I think it will be a good way for her to get more Korean language exposure since I'm clearly not providing enough of it at home.  :P  I have also enrolled her in a "Music Together" class in English that is supposed to be the sister class to the ones held in the US that her cousins participate in, so maybe they can be learning the same songs and activities from across the big pond that separates us!  The new classes don't officially start until September, so this is the direction we're planning on going for the next three months.  Because all of these classes are held in the same location as her ballet classes (IPark Culture Center, Yongsan), it should be a pretty smooth transition for her. 

Once Riley arrives, we're hoping to keep Tay on her regular schedule of going to the sitter in the morning (with Jeff instead of me) so she can continue to "go to work" like normal, and at least for the first six weeks, Beth can just keep things as normal for her during the day with the library trips, playgroup visits, and these classes at IPark.  And then after the work day, she can come home and I can spend some one-on-one time with her while Jeff (or my mom while she's here) can watch the baby.  I'm hoping this will be the best decision for our family and the healthiest for Tay to transition into being a big sister to Riley.  I'm much more nervous about how this new addition will impact Tay than I am about actually going into labor and having this child.  It's a whole different feeling from when I became a mom for the first time...it's hard to explain.  The excitement is there, but there is this anxiety that sits in my stomach about how the rest of my family will be changed by this small being growing inside my belly right now...

I haven't been so good with capturing the little gems coming out of my Tay's mouth lately, but one I did catch was when she saw me dressed in the morning and said, "Mommy, you look like a princess!"  Mind you, I was just wearing a skirt and top for work and I was feeling as huge as a house, so that put a smile on my face for the rest of the day.  :)  Another one was when we visited Daddy at work this past Saturday.  She was sitting on his lap putting chapstick on him and afterward, she looked at him and said, "You're a beauuuuutiful girl."  Jeff then asked her what she was, and she replied, "I'm a beautiful girl, too!  And Aiden is a silly boy!"  Aiden is one of her little friends she adores.  Hilarious. 

I really want to cherish these last few weeks with my little girl being an only...I know she'll be a wonderful big sister to Riley, so I'm not so worried about that, but I want her to feel that she can never be replaced and that our love for her will only double as she assumes the new role, even if it seems we are losing time spent with just her.  ::sigh::