Motherly Thoughts...

Part I.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about being a working Mom and I'm quite torn about whether or not I like it.  I see my little girl growing up so fast, and being with her nanny while I work has been wonderful because my nanny is really great and teaching her things I never would have thought to teach her, I don't think...but what if I were to stay at home with her?  I would probably speak more Korean to her than I do now.  I worry that she might not understand me because she spends over 50% of her "awake" part of the day with the nany...so I resort to the easy way of talking to her in English - which is easier for me, too, anyway - but then I feel bad that I'm not teaching her Korean, so I speak to her in Korean, but now I think I'm just confusing her.  Also, lately, I feel like I'm losing that closeness I had with her...except when I'm putting her down for the night...and maybe on weekends.  It's because she's becoming so much more independent and less dependent on me, (and this is really a good thing), but sometimes I wish she were still that helpless, dependent little girl who would always want me to be with her and sit with her and play with her...and then I realize, if she were actually like that all the time, I wouldn't be raising her to be self-sufficient...and in this world, she must be self-sufficient. 

 

My little Tay is growing up so fast that I can't keep up emotionally.  I love her so much and I want to spend more time with her, but I already feel like I'm cutting out as early as I can from work and I think I'm playing with her enough after work...but why can't I just get enough of her?  I miss her during the day, and I miss her at night.  It saddens me that I can't play with her on the playground every day; I can't make her delicious healthy food like I want to; I can't sing to her and have dance parties with her...just because I don't have the energy after I get home from work.  Why?  I should have that energy.  I want to take her on walks in the sun and in the rain...so she knows what falling rain feels like.  I want to let her help me do dishes and help me fold laundry.  This weekend, she helped me strip all the pillows to wash the pillow cases, and we just had so much fun just pulling them off like in a tug-o-war.  Then, we rolled around the mattress with no sheets on, tickling each other and giggling.  After they were washed, she "helped" me put them back on by crawling on them as I tucked them in...she just loves helping me with whatever she can.  She knows every time after she gets a diaper change, there is a dirty diaper that needs to get thrown away.  (By they way, the "potty familiarization" period is going very well...she's already in the routine of going #1 in the big toilet right before bed, and when she needs to go #2 - although she doesn't tell me, persay - when I think she's about to go, I ask her if she needs to go "poo-poo" and she'll nod her head, take my hand, and we'll walk to the bathroom together).  My goal is not to get her out of diapers anytime soon...my goal is to have her be able to let me know she needs to go and we make it to the bathroom.  No time limit...just looking for a gradual end, hopefully. 

 

Part II.

It's already July and in just a little over a week, Tay will already be 16 months old.   It seems like it was just yesterday that we brought her home from the hospital.  It was just yesterday that she was this tiny little thing that I felt was so fragile that I thought I might break her.  Now she's going to tumbling class where she's learning how to do forward rolls and walk across a balance beam.  Unbelievable.  Part of me just wants it all to slow down, but another part of me is really excited to see her growing up and I can't wait for when she is able to talk to me and express her feelings and I we can go on hikes and maybe even go star gazing.  She'll learn how to ride a bike and start going to school.  She'll be going on her first date, and I'll be in tears.  I can't believe how quickly time just flies...

 

I should be home to enjoy every moment with her...but instead I'm out working.  Is this really what I should be doing?  ::sigh::  I miss my little girl when I can't be with her...