I've had quite some time to think lately about my life, and I seem to be at a place in my life where I am very content to be doing exactly what I am doing, at the same time, I am very unadjusted to this new person I am becoming. This entry is more of a stream-of-consciousness writing exploit as opposed to a well-thought-out entry, so please see it as it is...
I look back on my high school days with fondness of good times and bad, but particularly the drive or dedication I had to meeting success at every academic turn. I would be upset if I missed one question on a biology test that I knew I studied; I would get irritated when I missed a calculus problem because of a dumb careless error. I focused and worked hard, and still wandered around with my head in the clouds about friendships, dating, and boys. Extra-curricular activities also filled my after-school hours and I never could fathom just sitting around the house with nothing to do for days and days, even during the summertime.
When I went to college, the academic side must have been burnt out because I realized I just didn't have that drive or dedication or motivation to really be that successful. I got more and more frustrated with my classes, and decided that they were no where near as important as my non-academic life as long as I was passing. That's probably why I made the grades I did my first year, and that's probably why I took some of the classes I did when I really had NO interested in them whatsoever. I just needed filler classes, so I took them. Part of it, I blame on the fact that I still thought I was pre-med...even though my brain had already decided that I was never going to pursue that route. When I think about going back to do some post-bac work and applying to med schools (or even dental school) and going through that whole process again, I just get a really sour feeling in my stomach and I have little to no desire to pursue it. I understand umma's need or want for me to find some vocation of my own - some technical skill - but I think healthcare or medicine were just NOT the directions I needed to go. But that doesn't mean that I can really see myself just being that stay-at-home mom...why?
After graduation and joining the Army, I realized I had what it took to succeed in this environment. I was going to be one of the best and I was going to have fun while I did it. I may not have been the best at keeping my uniform starched or keeping my boots shined, but I was great at being that officer everyone expected me to be - that officer that everyone could rely on to make things happen. I was liked by most everyone, and I knew how to learn the job, no matter what job, fast - and I could go the route I wanted to to become successful in whatever it was I wanted to in the military. It was easy. But once I found my Mister Right, I couldn't bear it. I was still obsessed with work at the same time, I was obsessed with not being that good wife I wanted to be. I hated that Jeff beat me home every day and he cooked the majority of the time. I didn't like that I was always exhausted for one reason or another because of work and I didn't like that all I had to talk about was work and people at work. I knew it was also bothering Jeff to some degree, but I just couldn't figure out how to balance work and homelife. That's why I knew it was the best decision to get out of the military. I wasn't enjoying every minute anymore. I wanted to focus my energies elsewhere - namely my marriage.
Now that I've been out of the active army for two months, I find myself somewhat bored with this stay-at-home lifestyle. But I also enjoy the freedom of doing nothing if I want to. The whole experience is a bit warped because I am so pregnant right now, but once I have the baby and am on a decent routine after the baby is a bit older, will I still feel the same as I do now about being home and bringing nothing to the family other than waiting for my husband to get home and ensuring that my baby is safe and healthy?
Jeff and I were eating yesterday around dinnertime, and a brief conversation came up about how I'm much more interested in what is going on in his life these days as opposed to before I got out of the military. In a way, it bothered him, I think, that I had become almost nosy about my interest in his life, but he also liked that I wasn't only obsessing about work like I used to...it was as if my family took the back seat when it came to my life when I was working. That's not what I wanted...but that's what it was. Maybe that's why I keep looking for some job that can be secondary to my home life. Something that I can do that will mean nothing to me except a paycheck...I still have my own self-esteem to think about so I can't see myself working as a cashier or something, but I don't want some high stress or high demand job that will consume my life outside and inside the home again.
So...I thought the teaching thing would work well - but now why are my mom and dad so adamently against it? It makes me worry a bit, but I think I could do it without stressing about it as much as they think I might...
Honestly, I just want to be a good wife, a good mother, and also be able to bring home some bread. Is that too much to ask? I want the best for my family, and I also want to have financial independence - mainly so I don't feel like I'm one of those wives who are just eating up the husband's hard-earned money. I know we're not poor by any means, but why does it feel so bad to ask for money? Maybe it's because I've never had to do it before in my entire life...I really don't like it.
Enough.
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